Things My 11-Month Old Can Do That Is Unacceptable For 47-Year Old Accounts Manager Brad Diaderod Currently Enjoying a Stopover In Muskegon, Michigan

• discover leftovers in folds of clothes, proceed to eat it.
• with slow, deliberate precision, find an unidentifiable piece of lint on the ground, then contemplatively eat that too.
• drop Cheerios™ on the ground, one by one.
• be startled by vacuum cleaners.
• obsessively hold onto furniture while walking.
• hesitantly reach out to every dog he sees.
• giggle uncontrollably for apparently no reason at all.
• expect strangers to smell his head.
• eat like Robocop.
• lean violently away or towards someone, depending on his disposition to that person.
• cry when sleepy.
• slowly approach the TV until face is squished against it, ensuring 129% of daily radiation intake.
• stare at strangers, unblinking, while drooling.
• continue doing whatever he was doing when others attempt small-talk.