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Showing posts from March, 2011

Failed Approaches to Defending Ship Memorabilia Purchases to Your Spouse

Oh my god, it's not like I said ANYTHING about you wanting to BRONZE Sebastien's shoes? And he has weird feet. It's like this, OK, you loved Richard Gere in "An Officer and and Gentleman", right? Well, it's kinda like that. Except without the subtle gay subtext. Well, you did make me eat kale. KALE. *looks meaningfully at 1/2 empty plate* I could just get a Veritech fighter. 1/60 scale. Oh, so your love of anachronism stops as soon as we need 2 feet of bookshelf space for a 110-gun Spanish Galleon with flammable rigging. What? It is. I promise this has nothing to do with me calling it "Davey Jone's Locker" down there. You said no to my rubber ducky, my rubber sheep, AND my inflatable Betty Boop, and NOW THIS? What is WRONG with you? Don't you dare bring my LP collection of "The Captain and Tenille". They are TOO more important to 20th century pop culture than "Sonny & Cher". Well, you DID make me learn all thos

Prospective iPad 2 Owner With His Thoughts.

Look, I know I live in a state and a city which thinks quinoa is a reasonable substitute for a starch and that gears on bikes an abomination. I know that all my coworkers, immediate family, and extended family who live in this region all love "The Wire", "Arrested Development", and now slightly hate "Arcade Fire" ever since "the Grammy incident". I know there are almost more recycling bins outside my apartment complex than there are elements in the Periodic Table, but still. I have some expectations. It'd be nice if the lineup wasn't ten blocks long. Like, 15 people. I could handle waiting for 15 people. But only if those 15 people don't have an itemized list as to why the iPad 2 is really the one to get, and, in the long run, actually quite a bargain. Also, could the people in my immediate vicinity please not have tumblrs or blogs or twitter accounts that they casually try and advertise? How many streams of information do I nee

Uncomfortable Movie Synopses

Predator Ethnics die first. Austrian herrenfolk survives thermonuclear blast in a jungle without cover. Death and the Maiden Doctors who systematically rape and torture for a totalitarian regime can afford extremely expensive chamber music seats. Robocop Only a horrifying amalgan of machine and half-dead man, funded by and developed for a private corporation for profit can save a major city in decay. Ocean's Eleven Eleven hardened life-time criminals are justified in robbing millions from a legitimate business man because he's somewhat cold and happens to be dating the head criminal's ex-wife. Untouchables Federal agent has nearly all his best friends killed in a bloody war over a substance that's legalized a few years later. Red Dawn Every conflict to ever descend upon Afganistan, transposed to Montana. Breakfast Club Over-privileged white kids in the suburbs feel hard done by, get high, have a make-over, collaborate on a letter. Top Gun Man learn