Friday, May 01, 2020

A Very Professional Mouse

About 4 years ago I started at this new company. I soon decided, like any self respecting programmer, that I didn't quite like the mouse. I mean, obviously its low DPI rating and the fact it was wireless was digging atrocious inroads into my productivity. 

Asking for a replacement for the tools you work with every day is a perfectly normal thing for an IT worker to do, within some boundaries. But maintaining professional stoicism is, if not essential, at least highly recommended. That goes doubly for programmers a little older, triply so for programmers at a new job. Quadruply so for programmers who've only ever worked at one other company before and isn't entirely sure what the ramifications of making the wrong choice would be. Public humiliation? Being called out at a meeting? The pillory?

The very slight lag in the wireless mouse supplied was irksome, however, as was the fact that every day at around 4pm many of the wireless mice went a bit glitchy in the office. That last bit was less irksome and more 'fills me with unnameable dread', but you get the picture.

So I started to dive in the world of mice. At some point between looking at mice with adjustable weights to those with enough buttons to reasonable simulate and operate a fully loaded 747 passenger jet I got information overload and decided to just ask for the mouse I have at home. A fairly professional all black wired laser mouse. 

I mean, it's made by Razer, and the model name is DeathAdder but the office would hardly see that. Or the fact that this was the sort of mouse made for unbelievable K:D ratios and no miss noscopes. If you didnt' get the last bit, hey you're not an irredeemable nerd. The packaging is the sort you'd expect for a laser blaster in an 80's sci fi pop-synth TV show starring some once massive genre star of a 60's sci fi hit that might have an entire booth dedicated to it at a Tulsa Comic convention.

But the mouse itself could easily be the sort dedicated to negotiation contracts and pivot tables. 

At some point it arrived and I plugged it in, all proud to have made  the correct, professional, adult decision. 

They had changed the design somewhat. Apparently they decided the mouse had to match the packaging and changed it to glow all the colours of the rainbow in sequence. If this was a movie I could EASILY hack into the NSA or enhance that image. This was the sort of mouse who, if it had a wardrobe, would consist entirely of black, and neon. This was the Fast And the Furious version of a mouse. Professionalism be damned. This mouse flew the nerd flag high, attached to a squadron of X-wings, escorted by a Battlestar, and piloted by Riker. 

Luckily we don't have meetings, or so rarely that it counts as never. And, going on 5 years, I've seen no sign of a pillory.