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Showing posts from April, 2009

Sentences That Imply Their Opposites

As usual, I rely on my friends and random commenters for my topics, for I am weak in imagination and possess a paucity of originality not seen since Hollywood discovered the Sequel. This week's idea came from metamonk. I can't link to him since he has no web presence to speak of. No real presence either, now that I think of it. I imagine him to be the sort who knows all about high energy radio waves and how much concrete you'd need to go 'unnoticed'. He's also the sort, although he's never said it, who's quite comfortable using the phrase 'off the grid'. This is what happens when you spend the most formative years of your life reading books on espionage, apparently. Onto the topic: Sentences That Imply Their Opposites I don't want to be mean but... I'm not in it for the money... Comic book collecting isn't just for kids and 40 year old virgins who live in their parents basements, you know. This won't hurt a bit. Far be it for me t


Joe Smith, the head administrator here, is leaving, after many years of faithful service. I have only one recollection of him, which I squeezed for all it was worth to write a decent column for our newsletter. Yes, he actually did do this. Enthusiasm is something we all aspire to have, in some way. It keeps work fresh, coworkers fired up, and adds a bit of pep when your mind wants desperately to go on cruise control. Not all the time, of course; no one wants to be the perpetually perky upstart who needs 37 cups of coffee and 2 hours of Elmo just to get out of bed in the morning. The sort who causes everyone to roll their eyes and start speaking sarcasm as their second language. But some enthusiasm, even the odd outburst of Bright-Eyed and Bushy-Tailedness is good. Even welcome. And if there is one word that best describes Joe Smith to me, it'd be 'enthusiasm' (the good kind). There's one instance that comes to mind, where he had to get us rank-and-file enthused. I mean,

This Is What Freedom Looks Like

This is actually a picture of an internet friend of mine, Chris B . Er. e-friend. Someone I met online. You know, there's no way to phrase that that won't make you stand up and holler at the screen "YOU ARE A GIGANTIC NERD". So I'm going to stop trying to make it normal, because damnit, I'm not, not very, anyways. Oh shit, I should've gone with penpal. There's nothing creepy about penpals. Damnit. Onto the picture. My dad was big into candid shots. He'd sorta stalk his kids, us jumping off the couch or trying to suffocate each other or throw small, blunt objects at each other with surprising regularity. He'd hold this Canon point and shoot by his leg, all spy like. And then, snap. We'd all go "aww maaan" like this was the most worstest thing he could do. Of course, years later, some of those pictures are pretty priceless. One of me playing 'Submarine Captain' in the toilet comes to mind. Legs fully in, half crouched in th

Bocce News Update #6 : Andy Rooney Reporting

We won our long long LONG running workplace bocce tourney! Go us! Here's the news update I put on our work wiki. Anonymized, of course. I don't know what's wrong with sport in this country. Why it seems only last week we allowed the Prussian Empire to play us in an exhibition polo match. But now we have all sorts of Continental games being played to and fro, it's getting to be that I don't know if we still play sports, or just throw alot of balls around and hope someone knows the rules. Yesterday I was present at some sort of bowling championship. Although it wasn't any bowling championship I'd ever seen. There were no fouling smelling shoes to rent, or that bit of the bowling ball retriever that blows out air, for reasons I don't think anyone really knows. There was none of that old town feel, like maybe I could look over the lane and see my Uncle Benny and his friends from the steel plant. No, this was a different sort. I'm not sure if it's nic

Insults From A Senile Victorian Gentleman

You SIR, have the hygeine of an overly ripe avocado and the speaking habits of a vaguely deranged chess set. I find your manner to be unctuous and possibly libelous, and whatever standard you set for orthodontal care, it's not one I care for. Your choice in news programs is semi-literate at best and I do believe your favourite news anchor writes erotic literature for university mascots. While I'm not one to point out so obvious a failing, there has been rumour that the brunches you host every other Sunday are made with too much lard and cilantro. If you get my meaning. There is something to be said about your choice of motor-car fuel, but it is not urbane and if I were to repeat it, mothers would cover their children's ears and perhaps not a few longshoremen within earshot would blush. How you maintain that rather obscene crease in your trousers and your socks is beyond me, perhaps its also during this time that you cultivate a skin regime that I'm sure requires the dea

The Last Thing You Want To Hear...

Fireman "We'll be right with you sir, but the heat is causing my eczema to flare up!" Police Officer "These new taser guns are so neat ..." Surgeon "Well I'll be damned..." Stock Broker "The number you are calling is not in service..." Psychotherapist "If you don't mind, my blog commenters just had a few questions..." Your Significant Other Of Several Years " You're wonderful, you really are, it's just that..." Dentist "You're not one of those quack patients who believes in novacaine, are you?" Drug Dealer "If you could just repeat your full name slowly and clearly." Pawn Shop Owner "Ah, my best client." Biology Teacher "If you'll all open up to Genesis, we'll begin class." Traditional Chinese Medicine Practitioner "I got something for that, but first, how do you feel about endangered animals?" Butler "Oh, blackmail is such an ugly word.&qu