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Showing posts from February, 2008

Facebook Status Updates

My one little outlet of creativity, besides this blog, is my Facebook status update. Now, I realize Facebook is the root of all evil and is selling away our privacy for a song, but hey, it's how I stay connected with friends without having to actually *cringe* talk to them. The following are status updates that have, or will be appended to my name. has angered the voodoo priest. contrary to rumour, doesn't dream in iambic pentameter, unless iambic means 'awesome', and pentameter means 'robots'. has hoarded nothing, and wishes you'd stop insinuating that he has. sleeps soundly on his ill-gotten gains. is surpressing the desire to say 'Wheee' when he boards the Skytrain. has a reasonable excuse. avoids all things hip. thinks that the umpire/referee/official's call was completely bogus. is abusing the status update, as this is neither a status nor an update. wonders how much more politically charged the song would be if it was renamed 'Rocket Th

'Knock Knock' 'Who's There?' 'Interrupting Cow' 'Interu--' 'MOOO!'

Another submission to my work newsletter, the topic is 'office relationships'. Hope you enjoy it. Say 'office relationships' and images of recklessly placed mistletoe, a highball or five, and a wild Christmas party immediately come to mind. But 'office relationships' are more than just something to keep workplace lawyers employed. Being stuck in a basement with a thin shaft of sunlight and literally hundreds of hours of complete silence, I feel I'm uniquely able to speak on this topic. One of the most important things to try and bring to the workplace, is a sense of humour; or a lighthearted approach to life; or at the absolute minimum, the ability not to scowl constantly while maintaining a blood-pressure that one might expect in a small steam engine. (This is what I've been told. Here in the Basement, humour is frowned upon; the merest glimmer of a smile is seen as a sign of weakness, and the offending programmer is often beaten with bludgeon-grade ke

Craigslist Posting for Free Water Generator

A workmate of mine asked me, half-jokingly, to write up a blurb for a air-water gatherer, thing... Here it is, in all it's lurid glory. Are you a crazed, fringe militia leader with a cache of weapons, a near best selling manifesto, and yet are continually surprised you cannot keep your chapter strong and thriving? The problem is not with your message (how the Illuminati controls the CBC and forces mind-altering substances into our brainstems via the 'security-strip' of the new $20 bills); no, the problem is that all your past adherents have been DYING OF DEHYDRATION. Who would have thought that the next upheaval and revolution of the Canadian government was being stalled by something as simple as water? If only there was some way to procure water without debasing yourself and your group by plugging into the fluoride laced 'water table' that all the sheeple suck from? If only there was a way to automagically create this life-sustaining, revolution-supporting 'wat

People You Meet on Transit #4

The Raving Lunatic I've known someone who suffered from mental illness. It's not very pretty, poetic or a sign of artistic merit. It's painful and awkward and just shitty all around. Maybe that's why the Raving Lunatic is always troubling to me. Not that I'm sure he doesn't disturb other passengers, but I have a personal connection with that sort of disease, and well, it helps to have a reason to tell yourself why you are the only person leaving the bus because of the wild-eyed looking person talking to his Texas Instruments calculator and raving about the coming Dark Underprince and his many wing'ed minions, black with pitch and the tell-tale soot of burn'ed souls. I remember sitting behind two teens, they might have been girls, or two effeminate boys, I'm not quite sure. But one of them comments that "Oh yeah, he has bipolar", and they go on about it like it's a trendy thing to have, like ironic 80's shirts or a passably real-look