Skip to main content

Not Really Movie Stars

At risk of sounding like the sort of man who wears straight leg corduroys and has the box set for Streisand, there are certain big stars who lack the panache of old timey stars. Old timey stars like Steve McQueen, Carey Grant, Optimus Prime, and Gene Kelly.

I have a strong affinity for iconic stars. They embody many things that (in my case) men should act like. Maybe not should. Suggested. Highly advisable. They have panache, grace and the proper poise for every situation. There is a solidity to them. Like when you were a kid and first stepped into your dad's shoes, and thought, "Holy hell, men are large, imposing edifices". These men know what the hell a Windsor Knot is and can name every item in "Men's Health:50 Things Every Man Should Know". They probably smoke some sort of unfiltered cigarette and change their own damn oil. They have a regular barber who knows the names of their kids and they don't mind a hot shave with a real "Oh my god if he slips he could end me here and now" razor.

They have a steady hand. One that would hold the tiller during a squall or a small boy's hand as he walks over to Mrs. Gravinson's house to explain who's baseball it was that just broke her French doors.

But now we got these great acting talents who will forever seem like smarmy douches or
that incredibly annoying high school drama club president who had to emote everything. I mean, just look at stars like Giovanni Ribisi, or Ben Affleck or, the King Of All Smarmy Ass Looking Actors, Leonardo DiCaprio.

I'm not saying these guys don't have talent (well, except maybe Affleck), just go watch "What's Wrong With Gilbert Grape" if you doubt Leo's acting chops. But there is a certain... something.

With old time actors, they have that face and poise that you'd follow into battle. They'd tell you to charge that machine gun nest with nothing but a rusty bayonet and a trick knee and you'd do it, by god. Later, while your best friend who joined only because you did is dying on the field with a pound and a half of shrapnel in him, and, say, Steve McQueen told you to put your hand right here, nono, right here, right beside the pulsing aorta, you'd do it with a grin and a can-do attitude.

The newer wave of actors. I dunno. I'd feel kinda iffy giving them my latte order.

Comments

Anonymous said…
I know what you mean.

Jimmy Stewart, Julie Andrews, hell, even Dick Van Dyke had more talent than these pups could ever dream of.

Popular posts from this blog

Insults From A Senile Victorian Gentleman

You SIR, have the hygeine of an overly ripe avocado and the speaking habits of a vaguely deranged chess set. I find your manner to be unctuous and possibly libelous, and whatever standard you set for orthodontal care, it's not one I care for. Your choice in news programs is semi-literate at best and I do believe your favourite news anchor writes erotic literature for university mascots. While I'm not one to point out so obvious a failing, there has been rumour that the brunches you host every other Sunday are made with too much lard and cilantro. If you get my meaning. There is something to be said about your choice of motor-car fuel, but it is not urbane and if I were to repeat it, mothers would cover their children's ears and perhaps not a few longshoremen within earshot would blush. How you maintain that rather obscene crease in your trousers and your socks is beyond me, perhaps its also during this time that you cultivate a skin regime that I'm sure requires the dea...

Cyberpunk 2077

 Like a late 90's webring, replete with link back and hints at an actual relationship with other authors, this is a piece I'd like to say in.. rebuttal is too harsh a term, in reply, to my very long standing internet friend, zompist, where he posts his various gripes with that great sprawling hot mess, Cyberpunk 2077. Now I say hot mess because that's what the internet at large thinks of it, but me, playing on the worringly over-powered computers on GeForce Now, have experienced nearly no problems. Or at least not problems that bother me enough. Keep in mind I'm the Homer Simpson when it comes to critiquing alot of things. I just like, alot of things. Cheap date, as it were.   It might be my hundreds of hours in Bethesda titles and regularly having to look up console commands to debug yet another janked out quest, but it takes a rather large bug to befuddle and begrudge me. Like if a bug repoed my car, maybe, or  told me how much weight I had actually put on during ...

Learn A New Thing...

Man, you really do learn a new thing everyday. There have been a few shocking realizations I've had over the past month or so: -bizaare is spelled bizarre (how bizaare) -scythe is pronounced "sithe", not the phonetic way. Which is the way I've been pronouncing it in my head for my whole life. My entire youth spent reading Advanced Thresher Sci-Fi and Buckwheat Fantasy novels, for naught! -George Eliot was a woman, real name Mary Ann Evans. -Terry Gilliam is American. -Robocop is a Criterion Film. I shit you not . -Uhm, oh damn, just after I post this, I find that, this movie is a Criterion film as well . Maybe I don't know what being a Criterion film really entails.. Alright all (three) readers of my blog, post and lemme know some earth shattering facts you've learned recently.