1st Draft Birthday Cards

• Remember when you used to look forward to being one year older: more mature, more responsibilities and opportunities?
  And now it's just hoping that the degeneration of your body isn't too catastrophic and that maybe you can make it to a peaceful death without smearing your name on the walls with your own feces?
  Those were great times.
• This card is made from pristine, supposedly protected redwoods of California. The image on the front is of a idyllic untouched coastal scene, though, so there's that.
• Another year older, another year wondering if that delightful absent-minded professor routine you've cultivated since 19 is really just masking advanced dementia.
• Well, you're well past ever making anything of yourself.
  We love you anyways. Happy Birthday!
• You know using today to get a free meal at Denny's means you've lost, in not an unsubstantial way, some very real points in life.
  Breakfast all day though, have a great one!
• Batmobile, Porsche, Ducati, European sports car, Japanese performance sedan, domestic sedan, sport wagon, mini-van. It's called the 'tactical withdrawal of life'.
  HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
• You've now officially spent more time in your life struggling with 'mail merge' than you have spent laughing with your loved ones.
  Milestones.
  Happy Birthday buddy!
• Broadly speaking, you've just turned up on the radar of nearly every actuarian.
  Keep on trucking!
• On balance, though, more of your friends are alive than dead, enjoy your youth, birthday boy!
• The prolonged eye contact with the cute store clerk isn't due to your dignified, Clooneyesque demeanour, it's because you've reached the age where you remind her of her dad. 
•  This is the year that the retirement home billboards take on a certain vicious significance. But you can still drive, happy birthday!
• The Classic Rock station doesn't even play music you recognize anymore. Have a corker!
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