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washboard abs. any abs at all. belonging to a team sport. belonging, full stop. having a nickname that wasn't used with derision. keg parties. scratch that. having a secret handshake/hi-five ritual. cruising down the strip. having a car to cruise down the strip with. knowing where said strip might be. having a favourite band. going to quirky cultural heritage days of which I'm weirdly proud. beach volleyball. not the "Top Gun" kind. not  the "Dead or Alive" kind either. I'm not sure what I mean here. witheringly advanced political views. handing out Beat Poetry flyers. joining an amusingly mismatched club for a girl. getting more interested in the club's activities than said girl. a koi pond.

Oil Derrick Worker: You never see them, because, well, they're kinda isolated, but you hear reports about them, and they sound terrifying. Tai Chi Master If you ever swing that ax faster than an heavily sedated sea sponge, he goes down immediately. But should you go slower, HOO EEEEE!. Hipsters You only ever encounter their corpses, they go first. Vegan He can be found dumpster diving, looking smug and eating rats. Organic rats. Flautist A jazz flautist. Driver Sits in his car, a well-notated map of Toledo in his lap, a cold cup of coffee on the dash, and him, crying softly. Concierge He stands, looking from the door to his front desk, torn behind a hunger for human flesh and a sense of duty. Gymnast Stands below the double rings, arms still on the rings, him looking up, moaning. Foodie Fusses and pats you down, emits a low 'humming' noise as he considers, invariably leaves you alone.

In a fit of what only can be described as a radically unfounded enthusiasm for the outdoors we decided to take the kids tobagganing. Living in BC means ridiculous cost of living,  receiving way below the national median salary, but also that mountains are about 30 minutes away, turning the 1000 mm of rain we get at sea level into wonderful, if soggy, snow. Capitalism dictates that where there are parents desperate to create 'memories' for their children there are cramped ticket booths at the end of interminable lines ready to charge money for it. And they do. For bringing your own sled to go down the mountain. Gravity is apparently a premium resource. We borrow tobaggans from the neighbours, who have kids who are quite a bit older. This should have sent off alarms for me, cautious dad that I am. But on the other hand, I want my kids to be more or less fearless, and adventurous about things, so I don't really give it a second thought. It's a board, that you sit on, t...

ability to keep eye contact when addressing employer on the "hottub deck". past experience with caring for a ficus. general disinterest in female anatomy, especially on aforementioned deck. experience with pH balance and chlorination of 1/4 Olympic sized pool. enjoys 'Miami Vice'. supportive, but not too supportive of recreational drug use. able to remove tricky stains from snow-white uniform (mud, grass, human brain and skull fragments). refrains from 'punching it' at the first sign of law enforcement. comfortable with frequent small arms fire. knows how to start and operate a Vecoplan K-Model RG70K Industrial Shredder unassisted. can do light cleanup (mainly of bent spoons, dusty mirrors, various lengths of rubber hose). fond of Billy Ocean. equally comfortable talking out of a search and seizure from the Coast Guard as he is having light banter at the dinner table. doesn't press the need to wear 'short shorts'. competent enough to...