Monday, August 18, 2008

Things Heterosexual Men Are Expected To Know

  • how much horsepower their car has/its MPG city and highway.
  • how to use power-tools without flinching.
  • a solid, non-wavering opinion on the current championship sporting event.
  • a fairly detailed knowledge of the current socio-politico-geographic layout of the current country in turmoil.
  • how much they can benchpress/how much they tell others they can benchpress/when drunk.
  • a fairly manly reason why they no longer 'work out'/a very high-brow, awe-inspired reason why they still work out (e.g. 'look good naked' is not a good reason. Good reason are : 'be there for my kids', 'so I can play with them till the sun goes down', 'for my volunteer work in the Tibetan hinterlands where I must free climb twice a day with 200 pounds worth of much needed medicine and food hanging from a caribinger pierced through my testicles')
  • how to fix that thing that's making that really weird noise but wasn't before.
  • what the HELL is all that crap when they open the fuse box.
  • proper treatment of electrical burns.
  • every term the car mechanic uses when they give an estimate ("Yeah, but to do it right, we'll have to re-align the Moss de-conflabulator, double jigg the pinion vice and router out the compression anchor tube.")
  • NOT what sort of shampoo they use or why they use it.
  • more or less what's going on when they have to pull over and pop the hood.
  • from sight, whether a screw is 3/8" or a 1/4"
  • what is, and what is NOT, a 'real beer'.
  • at least one guy in the Joint.
  • five different slang terms for mammary glands.
  • if not what it actually means, then at least how to use the term 'load-bearing' in such a way as to appease wife/girlfriend/and Home Depot construction expert.
  • at least one food, of which the only real version can be found at a very specific city (e.g. "You think that's pizza? You haven't had pizza unless you've been to...").


Chris D said...

OK. So what do I win?

(I lie, I don't know anyone in jail.)

Monkfish said...

I love the way "proper treatment of electrical burns" follows the fuse box thinger.

Niteowl said...

chris : you get to spit and grab yourself in public! Congrats!

monky : purely coincidental. Yup. Absolutely.