Monday, October 06, 2008


I'm alarmingly adept at slogans. 

Lemme rephrase. 

I'm alarming adept at slogans that no company would use. 

Slogans are like the poetry of humour. Short, fast, and whoever takes it seriously insists there's much more craft in it than say, writing a 1200 page historical fiction novel about physics, the financial derivatives market, and the rise and fall of Cromwell. 

Er, but I guess that analogy falls apart, because at one end, they're paid quite well, and at the other end, the poor sods end up paying other people to publish it. Or read it, for that matter. On the other OTHER hand, there are no Nobel prizes for slogans.  

Here are some slogans I made on the spot for a fictious tech company:

Meganaut Corporation : almost completely unfraudulent
Meganaut Corporation : lawsuits pending and unfounded.
Meganaut Corporation : what, it's 'high tech'.
Meganaut Corporation : it's impressive because we make our own acronyms.
Meganaut Corporation : tell your friends!
Meganaut Corporation : most of our shit is almost ready for production.
Meganaut Corporation : settling out of court since 1973.
Meganaut Corporation : doesn't support child labour (for certain values of 'child')
Meganaut Corporation : sure, let's just call it a dongle.
Meganaut Corporation : supplying small militias and puppet state dictators for over 30 years.
Meganaut Corporation : so eerily above board we have no need for our interrogation room.
Meganaut Corporation : we put the ethics back in 'definitely not insider trading'.
Meganaut Corporation : almost better than getting cockpunched by an ex-boxer holding a roll of quarters and taste for the sauce.

And a few for company's that are less fictious:

Republicans : Yes, we're evil, but hey, lower taxes!

Democrats : Sometimes we hem, sometimes we haw.

Libertarians : We are mostly right about some things, horridly wrong about others, but have more smugness than an Apple Convention.

Microsoft : Evil, ubiquitious, and not crashing nearly as much as we used to.

Apple : We wrap old ideas in clean lines and minimal design and charge your first-born for it.

Nike : We need their tiny hands for the fiddly bits.

Ford : Quality Schmality, It's AMERICAN!

Wal Mart : Gutting Small Town America Has Never Saved You More!

Starbucks : Coffee for the price of a reasonable lunch.

Rolex : Ostentatious.

DeBeers : Conflict diamond  means more drama.

Volkswagen : Shocking Decline In Quality

Carlyle Group : We do some evil stuff, but it's too complicated to worry about.

Enron : Trust us.

Phillip Morris : A family of nicotine delivery systems.

Monsanto : We control what you eat, and why you eat it.

Blackwater : Mercenaries For Hire, kinda like the A-Team.

Union Carbide : It's not our fault natural selection works so slow.

Pfizer : You want a cure to cancer or vigorous coitus into your 80's? Yeah, we thought so.

No comments: