Hephaestus Buys a Lava Lamp

Thanks to betaray for the topic.



When you're as ugly as I am, you find it useful to use black lights exclusively in your home. Yes, I know, I hear you thinking, "But surely, Hephaestus, the skill you have to craft wonders of warfare must make utter and shocking hideousness a small price to pay." All I have to say to that is, when the goddess of Love can't hum a tune and shut her eyes long enough to have embarrassing and awkward congress, no gift is enough.

Now, back to black-lights. They aren't black, of course, but calling them deep-violet-and-quite-lovely-lights doesn't sound as badass. I'm the blacksmith to the gods, I need to maintain my level of cool. I am, in your parlance, the kid who did really well in shop.

I've been hearing about it from everyone who's come over (shout out to my homies at the Theseum, wut wut!), that I really need a lava lamp.

It's not like I was expecting something that would upset the 'too-pretty-for-you' Olympus types.
I mean, all I wanted was something that, for once, was as advertised. When I crafted the winged shoes for Hermes, I didn't make brogues and say, "Oh, sorry about that, 'winged' is just what we call wingtips down here in Lemnos."

Sure, I had hopes for something that tamed powers deep within the earth's crust, a golden contraption that bent very magma to its will. But to be honest, I would have been happy with a nice stone bowl and some well lit lava swirling around in it.