Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Some British Person Asked Me About the Run-down on Thanksgiving.

Well, back in the nether reaches of time, back when yesteryear was naught but yesterday, back when men were men, women were women, and anyone else were locked good and tight in their respective closets, Canadaland had something called ThoenkaGavin. Of Dutch and Denmarkian origin it refers to the celebration following a heroic defeat of any number of small, marauding, and disturbingly fast rodents known as the Hanckel Smithin (Hanckelious Smithinourien).

Now legend has it that the Federali Guv'mnt of yesteryear were facing a very stiff uprising of sorts from the western and praire Constitutionalities (now known as Provinces) with regards to payments owed for constructing the first Dirigible Waypointing Flare System. As back in those days, Canadaland was determined to become the foremost dirigible passage this side of India. Although the only spices we had at the time were Salt and Bacon, our nation was of the most optimistic variety, never guessing that a fashion craze for hats from large, dam building rodents would power its economy for years. Regardless, there was an uprising astirring, and with all uprisings, this one had to be appeased, put down, or possibly ridden to surprising Cinderella like unseating of the current party. Lucky for the ruling party at the time, there was only one Party (the Lumberjack party, formed mainly on the basis of having less taxes on "Beeres and Spirits That Anger the Blood").

So back to the rebellion. As Canadians were mainly fur trappers and Dirigible Flare Makers, they had built up an astounding tolerance to alcohol. This made the usual gambit of simply waylaying the monthly allotment of rye to rebellious areas cost prohibitive. It was with great relief then, that the discovery of Turkey and its charming Hookas were greeted. Unfortunately, no amount of hooka smoking would do any good, as it would be a good 3 years yet until BC Bud reached its potency and availability it has today. The almost concurrent discovery of turkey, the bird, as in eating, lead to its discovery nearly being lost. As many thought it was only a problem in punctuation, and inferred incorrectly that the same discovery was being repeated twice in the papers. But after several hamlets rich in turkey populations were found snoozing, even to the point of missing their weekly beere runs, the true ability of Turkey as a Sleeping Agent was both discovered and utilized to its full potential.

Hence the Guv'ment decreed an arbitrary day in October to be ThoenkaGavin Day. A day of eating and sleeping and hopefully not mentioning broadway musicals to Uncle Ted who was having trouble as it was landing a wife.

Years later, the Americans, on their 27th failed invasion of Canada (mostly failing since there is no actual visual difference between Really Cold America and Warm If You Like That Sort Of Thing Canada), falsely interpreted our proud, government imposed rebellion quelling holiday of ThoenkaGavin as being related* to their turkey murdering day, Thanks Giving. Even though we don't have a Plymouth Rock. Or pilgrims. Or have never had any firearms that would come close to rivalling the blunderbuss. Or that our ThoenkaGavin date was in any way near the American Thanksgiving.

* The main differences in food preparation between the Canadian ThoenkaGavin and the American Thanksgiving is bacon. And beer. In so many ways and varieties it'd literally spin your head a la Beetlejuice (isn't it weird the same actor that gave us Batman gave us some Zombie Raising Hell Born Demon?)


J said...
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Monkfish said...

Am I the british person? What you know another British person.

J said...

I know GADS of british people. Just walking about, with their stouts and sleeves and of Guiness, talking about football, the declining influence of the monarchy, and the dreadful state of Canadian Tea. That's why I was assigned to the same cubicle as you. Oh. You weren't supposed to know that.