Friday, September 10, 2010

Rules of Engagement for the Squirt Battle Flotilla

I have a friend who likes to use military terms in polite company as if everyone grew up idolizing Robert Mitchum and reading Jane's Tactical manuals for fun. He suggested this topic. After write this up, I'm going to look up what ROE is, exactly, and find out why he was looking at this when he has neither kids nor a pool.

  1. It's hot. 
  2. Combatants are in swimming trunks or bathing suits or other such attire that is allowed to be spattered with chlorinated water.
  3. Aggressors shall assault the defensive positions at no more than 45 degrees off the normal plane, or however far the squirt gun rotates.
  4. All battle flotilla equipment is fully inflated by respective parties. No parental help. Chris is not allowed to use his electric air pump.
  5. Sustained fire to the eyes or mouth shall be curtailed to no more than 3 seconds, unless targetted parties have breached such offenses at least as egregious, but not less than: wedgies, purple nurple, visibly relieving oneself in the pool.
  6. Moving of the squirt vessels shall be facilitated by only the flutter kick. Egg-beater or frog-kick are verboten and punishable by dunking or being named Marco for the first three (3) games of Marco Polo.
  7. Creating a 'fire ship' by pushing Mr. Peterson while he's sleeping on his floating chair into the stationary squirt platform is likewise verboten.
  8. Good and bad guys must switch after every round. Robbie can't be Destro every single time.
  9. Waterballoons must be thrown in a 'skyhook' or underhanded.
  10. NO ROCKS.
  11. Yes gravel counts as rocks.
  12. Getting Jenny's oldest brother to play the "Kraken" on the squirt platform is not allowed. Those who do not immediately repel Jenny's brother as he tries to ruin the fun will have an entire lemon squirted in their eyes.
  13. Slurpees are not 'mortars'.
  14. Any attempt by Quint's dad on trying to sneakily teach us Naval History will be vigorously opposed by both sides.

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