Thursday, September 27, 2007

A Fitting End


What follows are what I hope is the somewhat entertaining email trail leading up to our spectacular defeat in the Staff Bocce semis. Yes, I'm lazy, I know.


From: Larry
Subject: Bocce Tournament Semis

As pursuant to articles 83 through to and including III. V. a subsection K, clause 301982 of the "International Office Workers Bocce Tournament Agreement, Rules, Stipulations and Errata", I hereby officially initiate a bocce match between:
John and Jane
Vs.
Jim and Mike

This will be a single knock out match, side-bets and over under percentages are still pending from Vegas.

Please keep it clean, the organizers of this bocce tournament would like to re-iterate that they do not officially condone eye-gouging, fish-hooking, or well placed elbows to the unsuspecting mid-section.

The date is set for:
Wednesday, September 19th, 2007 A.D.

Match is to be played at:
Bocce Bloodbath Pitch of Death (aka, whatever that scraggly, root infested bit of lawn is called in front of Smith Hall)

I hereby fulfill my responsibilities and wish all particpants good luck and God Speed.

Larry
Steering Head Committee Co-Chair Vice-President
Prod Bloc Bocce Scheduling Working Sub-Group


********


From: Jane
Subject: RE: Bocce Tournament Semis

We see your match and raise you three oxen and two of your children.

Noon on Wednesday, September 19th would suffice.

Jane


********


From: Mike
Subject: RE: Bocce Tournament Semis

You take all 3 and it’s a deal!


********


From: Larry
Subject: RE: Bocce Tournament Semis

Intentional ‘throwing’ of the game is strictly forbidden Mike.

We are watching you.

The Committee will need to see the oxen before hand, to ensure they are indeed oxen and not, say, overly aggressive cows with a penchant for pulling.

Children need not be inspected, but they should be the offspring of the bettor and not -- as has previously been the case -- the local urchins with a song on their lips and a well-rehearsed kicky dance number at the ready.

Jim, as he has no children, and is apparently allergic to the very sight of them, offers up one large, delightfully delectable tuna casserole.

Larry
Steering Head Committee Co-Chair Vice-President
Prod Bloc Bocce Scheduling Working Sub-Group


********


From: Jane
Subject: RE: Bocce Tournament Semis

Dear opponents,

We are having a lawyer check into the stipulations cited below.

Let us know if Smith lawn at 12pm on Wednesday September 19th works for you.

Thanks,

Jane


********


From: Larry
Subject: RE: Bocce Tournament Semis
Dear Soon To Be Crushed Underneath The Feet of the Never Before Defeated and Never Will Be Vanquished Prod Bloc (not to be confused with Soviet Bloc, who, while terrifying, obviously had an unnatural preference for the colour red),

Your lawyer is not fit to lick the boot-heels of our well-paid, homicidally dedicated crack team of Notary Publics. They not only read every word, they re-read it and then double check for both British and American grammar. Prepare to be riddled with quid-pro quos and other Latin phrases that may or may not mean you’ll be handing over your personal property to a large multi-national bank.

Vis-à-vis changing venues, I’ve consulted The Athletes, and they are not unamenable to changing it from the honourable and storied Bocce Bloodbath Pitch of Death, to the shifty, accursed and frankly, Communist sounding Smith Lawn. Since you have an aversion to dabbling, is ‘puttering about’ still on the table? We hope meddling is still kosher as well.

The day of the furious bocce action is deemed acceptable by The Athletes.

They will not be submitting to drug testing.



May you Cower in Fear,

Larry
Steering Head Committee Co-Chair Vice-President
Prod Bloc Bocce Scheduling Working Sub-Group

No comments: