Monday, April 09, 2007

Mercurial Baby

Babies. If the thought of them confuses you or angers you, you can skip this post right now. Because it's all about babies, and really, it'll just be preaching to the choir.

I'll give you some time to bugger off.

Are they gone? The sorts of people who roll their eyes or quickly duck out at the mention of diapers, binky, or "does he sleep through the night?". Not that blame them. I mean, honestly, you are not into babies, better just duck out then feign interest. Kind of like me and sports. Or power tools. Or anything, actually, that is more manly and more appropriate than the latest video games.

But enough about me. You baby lovers have stayed to read about babies! BABIES!!! What is the nature of the baby? That new soul thrust into a world of feedings and diapers and Not Comfortable At All Times? Chinese tradition informs us, or tells us, or clucks disapprovingly at us, that babies are bad things, inherently evil. At least that's what I've heard. Maybe I'm misquoting. If so, I apologize, 2 billion something times. Not that this is remarkably different from say, Catholic Doctrine, which berates us, at the end of of a 1950's parochial school staff, that babies are sinners! Sinners from the days when all the genetic information in all 5 billion people in the world was JAM PACKED into two, rather unlucky people. Adam and Eve, of course. (Or Lilith, if you are into reading Apocryphya. And who isn't? It's like the underground alternative scene to Organized Religion's latest boy band or faux angry 'metal' group, isn't it? "Pah, you really read Romans? How gauche. All the cool kids with the extra eyeliner and the really really bad beat 'slam' poetry read Gospel of Mary, honestly." Gods, what sort of weird hierarchy exists in Comparative Religious Graduate Studies? I wonder if that translates into when they are eventually working as clerks at the local fundamentalist Christian shop or serving up half decaf no fat quarter steam frappamachiatotino.)

Anyways, babies. Their true nature. Cuddly wuddly bundles of lovable joy? Transforming the very way that their parents experience the world? Casting aside all stuffy nature of 'self' and 'beauty' and imbuing everything with a angel-touched sense of wonder and joy?

Or, are they, as the Chinese and Catholics (and no doubt, many other cultures) pure, uncut, unmitigated, more concentrated than a pre-law student doing his entrance essay exam while on a triple dosage of Ritalin and double expressos, evil?

They are not, as one would predict, the former (unless you have absolutely every single Chicken Soup For the Soul on your bookshelf. And they are there non-ironically.), and not really the latter either.

They, in actual fact, exist in a limbo world. That grey world where world class assassins, CIA Agents, and News Anchors ("And after the break, Are you slowly poisoning your loved ones? We have breaking news for you just after the break! Is your love creating autism? Stay tuned after this word from our sponsors! What more than 68% of you are doing to cause cancer every day! That and more after the break"). They are sneaky. Sneaky and underhanded and not all above board.

Sure, you think you have a hold on your baby. Her ins and outs, what makes her tick, what pisses her the hell off, what makes her giggle for absolutely no good reason. And they switch it up. They turn into some new puzzle. Whatever used to calm her down doesn't work anymore. Putting her to sleep has become a war of attrition. Curses sworn. Prayers said. It's all the same except for the funny guys in the spiked helmets and the lousy food.

What is this mercurial nature of the baby that insist that it change. And as soon as you think you've regained your sanity. Everything old is, well, not new again, but rather completely and utterly useless.

They are not unlike the T-1000, morphing and changing. Using their little hands as crude poking and skewering devices. Laughing mercilessly at you as attempt to placate their mysterious and unknown needs.


andrea said...

Whoa! I feel like I've gotta down a few tabs of speed just to keep up with your thought thread. But what a great better one in my books. I didn't get that memo about my people thinking babies are the sprouts of, have I been mis-informed for the past 30 years. Gotta re-think this whole baby love stuff ~

Niteowl said...

I was looking over my past posts and I thought: what ever happened to my crazy ass posts where even I was smacked-upside-the-head confused? So then I wrote one! Also, miche demanded a funny one. About babies!

And yes, you ahve been misinformed, pay attention to those memos, they are not all about TPS reports, you know.

The Nighthawk said...

Hehe, I was wondering about where this post came from (besides left field). My guess was baby had kept you up through the whole night, and a blog post was your chosen method of retaliation. ;)