Thursday, December 07, 2006

Notice to Staff Re: Christmas Party

What follows is an entirely fictional email.


As the season approaches, we are all very excited about our upcoming Seasonal/Winter/Solstice/Kwanzaa/Hannukah Event! And by committee meeting and quorum vote, everyone is officially not-liable for calling it a Christmas Party!

Please note a few things to keep in mind for this year's Winter Celebration:

  • the new extended waivers are should be in your inboxes by now, please sign then and return them to the HR rep. Because of the high spirited nature of last year's party, GlobalNetWorkInterCorp will not be hosting the event. Instead, it will only be a highly coincidental grouping of all the staff from Shipping, Accounts Receivable, and Sales showing up at the same place, with drinks paid for by (again, coincidentally) your managers (managers, please fill out corresponding petty-cash requests (again, unrelated)).

  • this is not a costume party, so can those of you who wore delightful Star Treks uniforms please keep those at home.

  • the wait staff at Ye Olde Inne Bar & Grill would like to remind everyone that all spirits, while they CAN be lit afire, should not be.

  • the same staff would also like to pass on to please stop asking if the 'hourly hotel room' is available. That was under the previous management.

  • inflatable adult toys of any kind are not permitted on the premises of ye Olde Inne Bar & Grill.

  • even as a date.

  • servers are called by name, or the term "server", not "barmaid", "meadwench", or "lusty, buxomed wench of spirit serving"

  • on a related note, although the staff enjoyed the sentiment, the IT staff is reminded that medieval garb is a bit flowy, and is a fire hazard. Also that their replica Lord of the Rings weapons do tend to worry customers.

  • another reminder to the IT staff that dice, of any kind, is considered a form a gambling, and is not permitted at the bar.

  • regardless of how convincing Carl from Sr. Sales is, not everyone's scarves are a valid candidate for 'flossing'.

  • Naked Congo Line and Strip Down Limbo are NOT officially sanctioned GlobalNetWorkInterCorp office games.

  • a general notice that cock-fighting is illegal in this state, and that the bar officially denies any knowledge of any closed door rings it may or may not be rumoured to have. So GlobalNetWorkInterCorp kindly asks certain members of its staff to leave their roosters at home. Although plausible deniability dictates that they are not fighting cocks, the liklihood that the VP of Marketing just happens to have a rooster in his Audi A4 for no particular reason at all certainly stretches the spirit of the law.

  • on a related note, whlie the bar does deny any affiliation with a cock fighting club, if there were one at the premises, they surmise that the ante is set at $200, entrance fee would be raised this year to $75, and they might be setting 5 to 1 odds to any newcomers.

  • GlobalNetWorkInterCorp will not be paying for paternity tests.

3 comments:

Monkfish said...

Bring it

Dave said...

You can floss with my scarf anytime J

J said...

Yeah, just febreeze it, it'll be fine.