Friday, February 01, 2013

1st Draft Birthday Cards

  • Remember when you used to look forward to being one year older: more mature, more responsibilities and opportunities?
    And now it's just hoping that the degeneration of your body isn't too catastrophic and that maybe you can make it to a peaceful death without smearing your name on the walls with your own feces?
    Those were great times.
  • This card is made from pristine, supposedly protected redwoods of California. The image on the front is of a idyllic untouched coastal scene, though, so there's that.
  • Another year older, another year wondering if that delightful absent-minded professor routine you've cultivated since 19 is really just masking advanced dementia.
  • Well, you're well past ever making anything of yourself.
    We love you anyways. Happy Birthday!
  • You know using today to get a free meal at Denny's means you've lost, in not an unsubstantial way, some very real points in life.
    Breakfast all day though, have a great one!
  • Batmobile, Porsche, Ducati, European sports car, Japanese performance sedan, domestic sedan, sport wagon, mini-van. It's called the 'tactical withdrawal of life'.
  • You've now officially spent more time in your life struggling with 'mail merge' than you have spent laughing with your loved ones.
    Happy Birthday buddy!
  • Broadly speaking, you've just turned up on the radar of nearly every actuarian.
    Keep on trucking!
  • On balance, though, more of your friends are alive than dead, enjoy your youth, birthday boy!
  • The prolonged eye contact with the cute store clerk isn't due to your dignified, Clooneyesque demeanour, it's because you've reached the age where you remind her of her dad. 
  •  This is the year that the retirement home billboards take on a certain vicious significance. But you can still drive, happy birthday!
  • The Classic Rock station doesn't even play music you recognize anymore. Have a corker!

No comments: