Friday, March 11, 2011

Failed Approaches to Defending Ship Memorabilia Purchases to Your Spouse

  • Oh my god, it's not like I said ANYTHING about you wanting to BRONZE Sebastien's shoes? And he has weird feet.
  • It's like this, OK, you loved Richard Gere in "An Officer and and Gentleman", right? Well, it's kinda like that. Except without the subtle gay subtext.
  • Well, you did make me eat kale. KALE. *looks meaningfully at 1/2 empty plate*
  • I could just get a Veritech fighter. 1/60 scale.
  • Oh, so your love of anachronism stops as soon as we need 2 feet of bookshelf space for a 110-gun Spanish Galleon with flammable rigging. What? It is.
  • I promise this has nothing to do with me calling it "Davey Jone's Locker" down there.
  • You said no to my rubber ducky, my rubber sheep, AND my inflatable Betty Boop, and NOW THIS? What is WRONG with you?
  • Don't you dare bring my LP collection of "The Captain and Tenille". They are TOO more important to 20th century pop culture than "Sonny & Cher".
  • Well, you DID make me learn all those knots. 
  • My interest in it has nothing to do with the fact that your lines have evolved from a schooner to a East Indiaman to a 120 gun 1st rate. Nothing at all.
  • I'll promise to stop christening and naming our cats. Or prepending their name with HMS, okay?

Prospective iPad 2 Owner With His Thoughts.

Look, I know I live in a state and a city which thinks quinoa is a reasonable substitute for a starch and that gears on bikes an abomination. I know that all my coworkers, immediate family, and extended family who live in this region all love "The Wire", "Arrested Development", and now slightly hate "Arcade Fire" ever since "the Grammy incident". I know there are almost more recycling bins outside my apartment complex than there are elements in the Periodic Table, but still.

I have some expectations.

It'd be nice if the lineup wasn't ten blocks long. Like, 15 people. I could handle waiting for 15 people. But only if those 15 people don't have an itemized list as to why the iPad 2 is really the one to get, and, in the long run, actually quite a bargain.

Also, could the people in my immediate vicinity please not have tumblrs or blogs or twitter accounts that they casually try and advertise? How many streams of information do I need about new Apple products and product rumours and supposed long-term strategy and finalized, objective data on battery lives? Like, ten, at the most, and I already got them.

I happen to like black mock turtle-necks, ok? And jeans. I liked them about two years before Jobs (our prayers and thoughts are with you Steve!) got the look, ok? It'd be awesome if no one pointed tha tout.Or asked me how much my impersonation fees are.

Also, Rio is a perfectly good company. And my iRiver doesn't need replacing. The first 10 hipsters in that lineup who make a crack at it, or the fact that all I have on it is 1/2 of "Razor's Edge" and the "Blues Brothers" soundtrack get a very very hostile stare.

Saturday, March 05, 2011

Uncomfortable Movie Synopses

Predator
Ethnics die first. Austrian herrenfolk survives thermonuclear blast in a jungle without cover.

Death and the Maiden
Doctors who systematically rape and torture for a totalitarian regime can afford extremely expensive chamber music seats.

Robocop
Only a horrifying amalgan of machine and half-dead man, funded by and developed for a private corporation for profit can save a major city in decay.

Ocean's Eleven
Eleven hardened life-time criminals are justified in robbing millions from a legitimate business man because he's somewhat cold and happens to be dating the head criminal's ex-wife.

Untouchables
Federal agent has nearly all his best friends killed in a bloody war over a substance that's legalized a few years later.

Red Dawn
Every conflict to ever descend upon Afganistan, transposed to Montana.

Breakfast Club
Over-privileged white kids in the suburbs feel hard done by, get high, have a make-over, collaborate on a letter.

Top Gun
Man learns about commitment only by having his best friend die in practice.

Barton Fink
Wrestling movies pay the bills, not Great American Films.

Monsters Inc.
Entire species are reduced from a warrior band who strike terror in the hearts of millions to a laughing stock of cheap-gag vaudevillians in a desperate bid to keep the lights on.

Leon
A hardened sociopath almost delves into pedophilia, a girl's family dies, and an entire SWAT team is killed so that a ficus can find a better life on private school grounds.

Belle Epoque
A softcore film is not identified as such due to foreign language, soft-focus, and a superb prop-master.

Run Lola, Run
A screenwriter with career ending writer's block writes the same plot out several times, with small variations, just to make his vignette feature-length.