Crushing, Secret HR Policies

• while fraternization is frowned upon, sexual harassment complaints from someone lower on  the totem pole about someone who has, quite literally, carte blanche will always end poorly for the complainer.
• the Kleenex in the break room are for make-up removal or runny noses. Please bring your own supply for crying jags or otherwise personal issues.
• our wellness coordinator is actually a co-op/intern position that's shared with six other mulitnationals across three states. You may book an appointment with him/her in March and late October.
• people who are inordinately thirsty during the day will have their cubicles moved furthest from the watercooler. 
• our 'paid grief time' is for recruitment purposes only. 
• the 'security cameras' are actually used to record the time you take for your breaks and lunch.
• smokers and people who have been deemed 'generally unpleasant' get fewer, and less enthusiastic email reminders to join the Summer Company Picnic.
• there is no typing test when we interview for receptionists.
• all calls that may be monitored are, all calls that no one could reasonably assume would be monitored are. 
• business texts are checked for spelling accuracy, all managers are reprimanded accordingly.
• the heater isn't really broken in the bathrooms. That would assume there are heaters there to BE broken.
• The new front door is a metal detector.