Friday, June 03, 2011

Crushing, Secret HR Policies

  • while fraternization is frowned upon, sexual harassment complaints from someone lower on  the totem pole about someone who has, quite literally, carte blanche will always end poorly for the complainer.
  • the Kleenex in the break room are for make-up removal or runny noses. Please bring your own supply for crying jags or otherwise personal issues.
  • our wellness coordinator is actually a co-op/intern position that's shared with six other mulitnationals across three states. You may book an appointment with him/her in March and late October.
  • people who are inordinately thirsty during the day will have their cubicles moved furthest from the watercooler. 
  • our 'paid grief time' is for recruitment purposes only. 
  • the 'security cameras' are actually used to record the time you take for your breaks and lunch.
  • smokers and people who have been deemed 'generally unpleasant' get fewer, and less enthusiastic email reminders to join the Summer Company Picnic.
  • there is no typing test when we interview for receptionists.
  • all calls that may be monitored are, all calls that no one could reasonably assume would be monitored are. 
  • business texts are checked for spelling accuracy, all managers are reprimanded accordingly.
  • the heater isn't really broken in the bathrooms. That would assume there are heaters there to BE broken.
  • The new front door is a metal detector.

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