Wednesday, July 08, 2009

Greetings to Invading Alien Empires by Kale Hashling, president, Int'l Quisling Society

Thanks to Faux Real, for his inspired BLAG idea.

Greetings New Overlords (or Insectoid Hivemind or Robotic Carnivourous Enslavement Franchisers or Bombastic Militaristic Despotic Regime Of Unimaginable Power)!

Well hey there! Didn't think you'd be here so soon. This is a mighty fine planet we got here, it's got rivers and lakes and oceans; forests and jungles and tundras. A vast array of animal and plant species, that, while diminishing at alarming rates, are still pretty impressive. There's not a small amount of rare minerals to be harvested from any manner of buildings and installations. Or, if you so desire, right from the earth's mantle. Yeah, that's right, we still got some right in the rock! How quaint!

Our people are smart and work hard when given the proper incentives. We can survive under a number of conditions, or make suits to do so without slowing down your entire regime and/or empire. Our lack of any substantial telepathic or telekinetic abilities makes us almost a perfect slave race!

Now, I know what you're saying, there's quite a bit of degradation already around here, what with the toxic chemicals and rampant deforestation, the corrosion of the topsoil, the acceleration of greenhouse gases and runaway global warming. But we've only just begun! This planet has hardly reached the devastated wasteland of a dry burned-out husk of a world yet! People aren't dying immediately when being exposed to our star's radiation! An animal can live it's entire lifespan out in the open air without choking on particulate matter! It's almost pristine, on the scale of things.

Sure, sure, you can see our innumerable number of civil wars and turf battles and small scale battles bespeaking of unimaginable cruelty, vice and evil; but that's just you not looking at the opportunity the right way! Well, if you are in any way warlike, and let's face it, you can't get even three parsecs in this galaxy without taking to the good ol' laser blaster a little bit, well, we can serve as ample fodder. We have initiative and bring a certain imagination to our killing. What you see as barbaric we see as plucky and inspired! And if you aren't so much into wielding the good ol' space destroyer, as it were, well, every highly advanced civilization needs their guards, am I right? Those poor saps you throw at enterprising rebel uprisings or marauding space pirates. We die quietly but not without a fight, as I'm sure you've noticed from your own... experiences.

But hey! Look at me blabbering on about a planet I'm sure you know quite well. Let me say what I can offer to you. A certain amount of respect, for one. I respect the natural order of things. That is, a race which can fire mini black holes and arm all their infantry with high energy particle-beam cannons probably has a right to rule over us puny humans with our nuclear warheads and evangelical TV stations. Secondly, I know the people, it's customs. And, even if you are planning on wiping our memories or implanting devices to make us little more than very delicate robots, I'll have you know I'm well versed in what a human body can and cannot take. Say, for instance, humans cannot walk through molten lava, strange, but true!

I'm not asking for much. A small city, maybe, a few hundred of my own slaves, perhaps.

And, if it's not asking too much, if you could take just a little longer when torturing or killing Sam Anderson, branch manager for the Gap down the street, I'd really appreciate it.

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